Category Archives: Feelings

New Years…stuff

Anthony’s asleep on the couch in front of me, and this is the first few moments I’ve had to really sit, by myself, and do some good solid reflecting.

In case you haven’t heard, I am leaving Atlanta. I have been offered an exciting new job in Philadelphia, PA, and I am moving there, well,tomorrow.

All of my stuff is packed up — even my desktop (I am currently on my hand-me-down laptop). I’ve emptied a lot of myself from the apartment that Anthony and I have shared the last four months. We drive up with a Uhaul full of my stuff as early as we can tomorrow. And then, for me, it’s off to a new world. The frigid, “godless” north.

Very often I feel a sense of trepidation and ultra-stress at events like these. When I went to Chicago this summer, I felt so nervous at the prospect that SOMETHING MIGHT GO WRONG that I was almost crippled with fear. I remember standing in the train station on the phone with Anthony, tearing up because I was so afraid, and I just knew something bad was going to happen.

Obviously, it didn’t.

Today, I am nervous, but not terrified. It helps a lot that Anthony will be coming up with me and helping me find a place. But as of right now, I don’t have an apartment. That is kind of nerve-wracking. But I feel okay about it. I feel like everything is going to work out.

So instead of being super-obsessed about moving and stressing about a new life, I have had time to do some thinking.

This time last year, I was making a change in my life. A big change. I utterly transformed the way I eat, the way I see food, exercise, and, in a lot of ways, how I see myself. Though I often struggle, and have struggled, and I am still not done, I have to take a moment and realize just how far I’ve come.

Though I tossed out my scale in September, I have no doubts that I reached my goal of losing 50 pounds in a year. I probably hit it towards the end of October. Even if I didn’t hit the number, I was leaner, meaner, and fitter than I had ever been in my life.

So, because of that, I am officially closing my goal of losing 50 pounds in a year. That also means the end of this blog. At least as a separate entity.  I am still keeping with paleo, and I still am going to work on my physical fitness as I get more integrated into Philadelphia. And there will still be chronicling of food issues and my struggle to beat my food addiction. But just not here. This chapter in my story is over, and I am happy to be moving forward.

I will post in a bit about where to find chronicles of my next adventures, as soon as I know about them.


The Story of the Past Month (part 2)

Leaving Chicago was hard. Chicago was everything I thought it would be and more. To top it all off, I was facing the prospect of returning home without a full time job and essentially being dependent on my fiance. In between those two realities, I had a week long seminar to face, which looked to be pretty  miserable. On top of that, they weren’t providing food.

So the next week was a bit stressful, to say the least. Luckily, I found an AWESOME salad restaurant around the corner from where our hotel was . Fresh spinach, no iceberg lettuce if I didn’t want it. Almonds, oranges, chicken — all awesome. I had a salad from this place at least six or seven times during the week. For lunches, however, I wasn’t quite as lucky. There wasn’t anything really around the place we were having the seminar. So I ended up spending quite a bit on beef jerky and almonds.  I also ended up eating a good bit of Hershey’s Special Dark. Tasty, but not terribly good for me.

if you live in DC or New York, go to Chop't and enjoy a salad for me.

I also broke down in that week and had some McDonald’s — and definitely paid for it the next day. The closing reception, of course, had pizza for dinner, so I had a slice of that. I also bought a whole bunch of chips my last night there. I had planned to take them on the train with me, but halfway through the bag of cheese puffs I had bought (which were tasty), I realized I didn’t really want them anymore, and gave the rest of my junk food away to a friend.

I came back to Atlanta a week ago yesterday feeling somewhat defeated. No job (except for a part time writing gig), dealing with eating issues, moving in with my fiance on whom I was now dependent. For whatever reason I couldn’t get rehydrated from the train. We went off to TKD, and, to my credit, I did better than I thought I would. I was incredibly sore all last week, though. My body was getting its ass kicked again, and, to be honest, it felt pretty good.

I still wasn’t very happy, though. Even though I was eating paleo, I still felt fat, and this was only corroborated by pictures I was seeing of myself from the closing seminar. I was pinching myself every so often and feeling the fat between my fingers. I was (and still am) hyper-aware of the fat on my thighs when I sit down. My stress level was still pretty high as I was bouncing back and forth to my school trying to get paperwork in for my part time job, and even when I got that paperwork in, waiting to hear back. To start something…

Seeing pics like this of me at the closing seminar didn't help...

On top of all of that, I was disappointed with certain aspects of the new apartment (the kitchen is fairly small), but most of that was exacerbated by the fact that we hadn’t been able to unpack. I was in the apartment pretty  much al day every day, and I hadn’t really seen any of my friends since I got back. Simply put, my environment, my internal emotions, and my self-image were all out of whack. On top of all of this, I was constantly sore from TKD, which just made me feel weak, useless, and inept. I don’t even think I realized, until just now, how stressful the past few weeks have been.

However, things are looking up.

Me and my new dragon wall -- note the difference from the previous picture -- cameras sure are funny things

I went and stalked recipes for paleo and have been trying them out, getting back into cooking now that I have more funds to work with. I do really like to cook, and the past few recipes have been fun adventures (posts to come on those!)

I am back at Taekwondo with my friends and doing something that I love (even though it’s hot as balls in the room, and “warmups” that we do are a bitch — they are making me stronger!!)

Between Wednesday and Sunday my muscles got much less sore (though I pulled a hamstring — that really pissed me off).

This past weekend Anthony and I got the apartment cleaned up and it all feels MUCH BETTER. I can’t wait to have friends and family over, play kinect games, and cook paleo deliciousness for them.

My awesome living room.

This week I am going to make a schedule of things I need/want to do: project to work on, what I want to do with my blogs, job hunting, and, hopefully, time set off for this writing gig.

Money is still an issue, but it will hopefully be less so once I get my reimbursement checks from IHS/SPN, not to mention the deposit refund from Evanston. Until all of that happens, I am going to have to lean on Anthony. And doing THAT is going to be an exercise in and of itself. Depending on people is not my idea of a good time.

Finally, even though I am not allowed to weigh myself, I did measure myself this morning (with Anthony’s blessing). After about a month, I’ve lost a half-inch on my waist, a whole inch on my hips, and another half-inch on my bust.

Not too shabby.

The Story of the Past Month (part 1)

WordPress tells me that my last post was on July 27th. So that tells me it’s been  about a month since I posted here. I didn’t really intend on taking this long of a hiatus, but I was expecting to be gone for a while.  Lots of very exciting things happened, but I will focus a bit on the challenges I faced towards the end of the summer, and why I took a step back from meticulous recordings of my progress.

Towards the end of my internship, something bad began to happen. I began weighing myself every morning, sometimes more than once. Every morning the scale read 150, and every morning I started out upset. Not visibly so, but in the back of my mind that number sat. Because of this, one of two things would happen. I would either cheat on paleo (less often), or I would start to feel guilty about eating (more often). No matter what I ate, or how I ate it, I was feeling bad. I ate too much not enough, the wrong kind of meat, not enough veggies, etc. No matter what I did, I felt bad for eating.

Needless to say, this wasn’t exactly healthy. I talked with Anthony (fiance) about it the first couple of days of August, and we decided a good way to cut off this cycle was to stop weighing myself. Completely. We set an arbitrary date at which I would be allowed to weigh myself again — after my belt test on September 10th.

My friend David, traipsing around to take pictures in Chicago.

I pretty much immediately started to feel better. Much in the same way that weighing myself a day before my weigh-in during the first part of my journey would get me down that day, I didn’t really realize how much weighing myself in the mornings was putting a dampener on my moods and self-esteem for that day.  I stuck with paleo more easily, and it just became a lifestyle instead of something that was a chore.

I also stopped working out, though that had happened a couple of weeks before Anthony and I decided it would be a good idea to stop weighing myself. Much in the same way that weighing myself every day was bringing down my self-esteem, so was attempting to do TKD by myself. I find it is very similar to when I would work out, or run. If I was doing it out of obligation and there was no fun in it, then it was just a chore.  Not only was it a chore but it was one that magnified my faults. Everything I was doing wrong seemed magnified and frustrated me more than it might have normally. It ate at my confidence, and brought me down further.

I really needed to take care of myself mentally, especially since the stress of going from Chicago to DC for a seminar and then back to Atlanta was mounting. Not to mention that I had two great friends, both of which are paleo, were coming to see me. I wanted to relax and do what felt natural (which paleo does, much of the time), and enjoy my time with them.

Real women leave the crust

Finally, I gave Intermittent Fasting a try. I can’t remember precisely when I started, but for a few weeks I didn’t eat on Sundays or Thursdays (well, skipping breakfast and lunch). It was an interesting experience, but I have discontinued it for now. I would probably do IF during the periods in which I can’t exercise, if I was still trying to lose weight the next time I had such a period.  It’s up for grabs, but it is something that I tried.

With those adjustments made during my last weeks of my internship, I packed up my stuff and said a very sad goodbye to Chicago.

Goodbye, Chicago!

I’m still here.

This is me, doing pushups this morning:


So, yeah. I’m still here. I’m still paleo. Here’s the sitch:

My period hit me pretty hard this weekend, so I didn’t get a chance to write up a bunch of posts like I usually do. In addition to that, I am busy preparing for visits from friends and packing up and getting ready to leave. The consequence of which is that this blog will take a hiatus for a few weeks. I will probably still post, but it will be more casually than anything.

I’m going to use that time to do some re-evaluating. What do I want? What am I working towards? And how best do I get there? I am unsure of all of these things at the moment, and need to take some time to figure them out.

I will probably post meta-explorations as I attempt to figure this out, but if you would like to keep up with me in more detail, I joined the community at nerdfitness. Here’s my intro post to give you an idea of what I am trying to accomplish.

Just doing some thinking. No big. 🙂



Food Tally, Day 7

I did mostly grazing today — I ate lots of small meals all throughout the day. So I’m just going to provide a list of what I ate, as I didn’t separate them out into meals.

Apples and almond butter
Couple of strawberries
Handful of almonds
Apple and almond butter
Some more bacon

I know, I live a life of luxury. The bacon was uncured. It tastes kind of funny — it definitely wasn’t as salty as I like it. Oh well. Was still NOMMY.