We already had a word-heavy post today, so I will keep the word count down for this post.
Breakfast was a half an apple.
Lunch I had some egg, ham, and kinda had some salad. I put some spinach, cucumbers, and carrots dressed with basalmic vinegarette in a bowl… and then proceeded to eat the spinach.
Dinner I had taco salad, but it sorta got ruined by the spoonfull or two I had of leftover chocolate icing. The important thing, though, is that I stopped eating when I was not hungry anymore.
Anyway, I promised pictures of my TKD stuff, so I arranged it all for your viewing pleasure:
So there’s my certificate, my yellow belt, and my broken board. On top is my grading sheet, with A’s circled for every part of the test. The tester suggested that I do my kicks higher (not waist-high, though I really do think that’s all I can do for my in-out and out-in stretch kicks…). The writing at the bottom also said I had good blocks during my forms. 🙂
So now we come to the title of the post.
As you know, I weighed myself at the beginning of the week and was disappointed to see the 180 glaring back at me from the scale. I posted here, and wrote it off to water weight, sick weight, and other such things, as did most of my commentors. While I still believed that, it tasted sweet victory when I hopped on the scale this morning, out of curiosity, to see a nice sweet 175.
Let’s face it. I’m still a sexy beast no matter what that scale says, but it’s pretty cool — I have reached my first milestone.
10 pounds down, 40 to go.
Alright. Let’s start at the beginning.
I woke this morning around 8 AM, when my alarm went off, and rolled out of bed. I chose to get up this early in particular because I know I have a hard time eating right when I get up, and I also knew I needed something before I went to the belt test. So I took advantage of my farmer’s market shopping trip and filled my plate up with some fruits.
I finished all of the orange, most of the grapes, and a strawberry. I told you, I have a really hard time eating in the morning.
Anyway, it turned out to be enough and not so much that I was overloaded.
Got to the test about an hour early and checked in without too much of a problem. Warmed up for a while, practiced my turns on the mats (which are, incidentally MUCH easier to do than on the concrete floor).
I had a glass of water before I left, then I almost finished my whole bottle before the test began, so I filled back up.
The test, if I am being completely honest with myself, ended up being a bit easier than I was expecting. I wasn’t worried about technical stuff, but more along the lines of my fitness being able to do what I needed to do. I got through the warm ups without too much incident (though I did fall on the splits, like I always do…), and we didn’t have time to do sit-ups, leg raises, or push ups (score!), which are the most draining.
Instead of testing the white belts first, they tested the yellow belts, which gave me some more time to rest between the warmup and the first part of my test. That helped a lot too.
So I finally got up there to do the kicking and the forms (which you have to do twice), and I made it through… barely. By the end of the second run through of the form, I seriously thought I was going to throw up. If I had had anything other than fruit for breakfast I’m pretty sure I would have. I heaved a little bit and waited for them to tell us to go sit down, but then they had us do one-step sparring also (which wasn’t what I was expecting). Luckily, I had enough time to recover and catch my breath a bit while they paired people up, and I made it through there without any incident.
So we went and sat back down for a while while the other colored belts did their forms and kicks, which was actually pretty neat to watch. A lot (all) of the upper colored belts were children, and even though they weren’t as sharp as they could have been, it was still really neat to see all the different forms.
After all of that, they called the white belts up to do no-contact sparring, which went fine. I got out of breath at the end of it, which is not totally surprising, but I think I did pretty well. I got partnered with Amanda, who I work with at my school, so I got to spar with someone that I was used to.
Finally, they called us up to do our board breaks. I really don’t want to go through the whole story right now, but basically I didn’t break it. I tried twice but the goddamn thing would not break. I ended up hurting my hand and, yes, crying for a while.
A) It hurt fairly badly. It is currently swollen and a little bruised.
B) I was embarrassed and angry that I couldn’t do the break.
C) I was embarrassed that I was crying.
D) It was a huge confidence-breaker.
Even though I know that I am not the most fit or the most able-bodied person even when I am fit, I try to approach things with a certain amount of confidence. When I made it through the first part of the test and didn’t die, I was feeling good and confident. The other parts I had done before, and I have never had a problem hitting something really hard. It was just… I don’t know. It was kinda like hitting a brick wall psychologically.
Plus, it fucking hurt. That didn’t help matters much.
I won’t lie to you. I cried for the rest of the test, or, rather, I barely held it together. Everyone, from my fellow ASC TKD-ers to my coach to the test instructors were telling me not to worry about it, but… for some reason that just made it worse. Part of my embarrassment was in regards to my reaction, and talking about it just made me more ashamed.
For what it’s worth, Coach figures it probably wasn’t my fault. And I believe him, as I have come to trust him and his opinion, because he’s not one for blowing smoke up your ass. He said I “hit the piss” out of the board and figures if I had either had a better hold or a better board, it would have broken. He grabbed two boards and said I was going to do a break sometime next week when my hand heals. I don’t think I have a choice in this.
Again, in the spirit of honesty, I definitely moped for most/all of the day today. I came home and cried for about five minutes, took a shower, watched a movie with Anthony, ate, walked to Kroger, and took a nap. It wasn’t till Anthony and I went out to eat and I talked some about what I was thinking/feeling that I started to feel better, and I am feeling a lot better now.
But I guess, at the time, it was like this: it didn’t matter if I had a bad hold or a bad board or both. It wouldn’t have mattered if the board had been on fire and spitting snakes at me. I should have broken it. I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, even unrealistic, and I have a hard time moving aside from those. But anyway, I am moving beyond that, and I am feeling better.
My attitude at this present time is summed up in a text I sent to my friend Nikki:
I’m feeling better and will try again later, and if I really can’t do it, Coach will help me be able to. 🙂
For now, I am just going to focus on my weight loss and continuing with TKD. I do think today was an accomplishment, and somewhere beneath the turmoil, I am proud of myself. I just gotta work on bringing it up. 🙂