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This is going to be one of those good things/bad things post, because I want to get out what I am feeling, but I don’t want to harp on it and not remember the good stuff. So, with that in mind, here we go.

The bad stuff

I have a generally pretty good body image. I, like most people, have good days and bad days and the net result is positive.

Since starting paleo, unlike my fear before I started it, I haven’t any body issues at all. As I have explained, usually when I start dieting, I become super self-conscious about my weight, stress out, then stress eat. It’s a vicious cycle. But this time, as I’ve said, I haven’t had all that at all, and generally I have felt better about my body than I have in a long time. I have noticed that I don’t feel bloated quite as much, and even though I don’t really see the weight that has come off, I definitely do feel a lot lighter.

This weekend, however, seems to be an exception to that rule. I feel really fat.

The story begins… with an indiscretion.

It really was unwise on my part to go to a movie showing, where I knew there would be snacks, before I had eaten anything. I had had a REALLY heavy breakfast of bacon and eggs that day, and then went and trained with Nicki for about an hour and a half.

By the way, I do not recommend that particular course of action.

So when I got home I wasn’t feeling in a very eat-y mood. I went and putzed a little bit with the nerd prom music, and then before I knew it it was time to go to the Firefly marathon.  I went there without really being conscious of the fact that I was hungry, and in the end, I really don’t know if I got hungry.

The point of the matter is, chips are my weakness.

Even now, I salivate.

They weren’t even particularly good chips. They were crappy store brand wavy kind, that weren’t even that salty. Yet I ate plate after plate. I think at least four small plates full of potato chips.

To my credit, that’s the only spot of weakness I had. But either way… my stomach was not happy with  me afterwards.

I blame my feelings today on this indiscretion.

There’s no real way to put it — I just felt fat. I looked fat, every time I looked in a mirror all I could see was a belly and big breasts.

It got worse after we ate dinner, cause I ate a bit too much and the wings seemed to be a bad fair (Darcy got a little sick and I got a bit more sick).

Maybe it’s just shopping that makes me feel that way. I got fitted for a bra (went down a size, kinda), and it just felt all downhill from there. I didn’t try on any clothes or anything, else I feel like the feeling would have been exacerbated.

Anyway, I’m feeling bloated and useless and bad for the food I’ve eaten, and the fact that I over extended my knee the other day (?) doesn’t really contribute to my mood.

BUT! There are good things about today, too, and we’re gonna talk about them too.

The good things

First and foremost, the TKD ladies and Anthony went over and KICKED ASS at the belt test today. It was an honor and a privilege to watch them, and they all did amazingly.

Secondly, I got to go shopping today with Anthony and Darcy. We stalked Atlantic Station and searched for shoes and jeans for Anthony, fabric so I can start a shirt for Beefsickle to wear when we go to Medieval Times. It was a fun trip, and aside from my knee being a jerk, I had a good time. We walked for a long time, and I am not tired at all (a noted improvement).

I also got:

I shall name them the Blue Spirits.

They are for running!

I have decided, after a good bit of deliberation, that I want to try and pick up running a bit. Part of the reason I want to do this is because people who run are the coolest and the most fit people I know, and I have runner envy. Also, I want to pick up something else other than TKD that will help me stay healthy and in shape, because I am not sure what the future is for me and TKD after May. I definitely want to keep doing it, but there may be a pretty extensive hiatus between May and when I can afford to go again.

But running doesn’t cost anything.

I  have in previous years really avoided running because of breast issues. But I think I have gotten to a place where it’s not as big of an issue anymore. I’ve got good support when I’m  not running, and thanks to Nicki I have learned the art of doubling up on bras when I am. So we are gonna do this.

My friend Sam is training and getting ready to do a triathlon (woot for her!), and she suggested that I look into this program that helps you learn how to run  a 10K in 13 weeks (this isn’t the link she gave me –I’m gonna have to bug her for it again). I’m  not really sure how well this will work, but I’m gonna give it a try. I figure that Anthony and I will go running on the mornings that he’s here (So, Sunday/Monday, Tuesday, Thursday), and that will have the advantage of getting me up earlier in the morning, and getting a jump start to my day.

I guess I’ve just gotten to the point where I like physical activity (I know, right?). It makes me feel good now that I’ve gotten over that point where my fitness and my weight are a huge, frustrating barrier. They are now just mild annoyances that pop up every once in a while. Though I still hate sweating, I dunno, things are just better and easier and I want to have more activity in my life.

So tomorrow I put on my running shorts (yes, I  have them), the Blue Spirits, double up on my bras and head out into the morning with  my beau to start running. I’m actually kinda excited about it. I need to make a playlist.

Another good thing is that I went down in a bra size. This means I also went down in bra price. I moved from a 34 G to a 32 G/34 DDD. If you don’t think that’s smaller, that’s okay. I don’t understand bra sizes either. It’s smaller.

I am also starting to see some very gratifying definition in my legs. Though my calves have always had a pretty lean curve to them, they are beefing up some, and my thigh muscles are starting to peak out through the fat. It’s honestly just more noticeable when I’m lying down, with my feet flat on the floor, but I’m getting there. It’s pretty fulfilling.

I am beginning to doubt, especially with Chip Fest 2011, if I will lose my 2.5lbs this week. But I really am feeling okay about that, cause other things are happening.

Moving right along,



Celebrating 10 pounds lost

We already had a word-heavy post today, so I will keep the word count down for this post.

Breakfast was a half an apple.

Lunch I had some egg, ham, and kinda had some salad. I  put some spinach, cucumbers, and carrots dressed with basalmic vinegarette in a bowl… and then proceeded to eat the spinach.

Dinner I had taco salad, but it sorta got ruined by the spoonfull or two I had of leftover chocolate icing. The important thing, though, is that I stopped eating when I was not hungry anymore.

Anyway, I promised pictures of my TKD stuff, so I arranged it all for your viewing pleasure:


All self-explanatory, except the top sheet, which is my "grades" -- A's in every category, even though I don't think I deserved them.

So there’s my certificate, my yellow belt, and my broken board. On top is my grading sheet, with A’s circled for every part of the test. The tester suggested that I do my kicks higher (not waist-high, though I really do think that’s all I can do for my in-out and out-in stretch kicks…). The writing at the bottom also said I had good blocks during my forms. 🙂

So now we come to the title of the post.

As you know, I weighed myself at the beginning of the week and was disappointed to see the 180 glaring back at me from the scale. I posted here, and wrote it off to water weight, sick weight, and other such things, as did most of my commentors. While I still believed that, it tasted sweet victory when I hopped on the scale this morning, out of curiosity, to see a nice sweet 175.


Still sexy.

Let’s face it. I’m still a sexy beast no matter what that scale says, but it’s pretty cool — I have reached my first milestone.

10 pounds down, 40 to go.

Woot. 🙂

You’re not a real martial artist ’till you get hurt trying to do something

Alright. Let’s start at the beginning.

I woke this morning around 8 AM, when my alarm went off, and rolled out of bed. I chose to get up this early in particular because I know I have a hard time eating right when I get up, and I also knew I needed something before I went to the belt test. So I took advantage of my farmer’s market shopping trip and filled my plate up with some fruits.

Breakfast of Champions

I finished all of the orange, most of the grapes, and a strawberry. I told you, I have a really hard time eating in the morning.

Anyway, it turned out to be enough and not so much that I was overloaded.

Got to the test about an hour early and checked in without too much of a problem. Warmed up for a while, practiced my turns on the mats (which are, incidentally MUCH easier to do than on the concrete floor).

I had a glass of water before I left, then I almost finished my whole bottle before the test began, so I filled back up.

The test, if I am being completely honest with myself, ended up being a bit easier than I was expecting. I wasn’t worried about technical stuff, but more along the lines of my fitness being able to do what I needed to do. I got through the warm ups without too much incident (though I did fall on the splits, like I always do…), and we didn’t have time to do sit-ups, leg raises, or push ups (score!), which are the most draining.

Instead of testing the white belts first, they tested the yellow belts, which gave me some more time to rest between the warmup and the first part of my test. That helped a lot too.

So I finally got up there to do the kicking and the forms (which you have to do twice), and I made it through… barely. By the end of the second run through of the form, I seriously thought I was going to throw up. If I had had anything other than fruit for breakfast I’m pretty sure I would have. I heaved a little bit and waited for them to tell us to go sit down,  but then they had us do one-step sparring also (which wasn’t what I was expecting). Luckily, I had enough time to recover and catch my breath a bit while they paired people up, and I  made it through there without any incident.

I think that this was when I went up to do my break. Not sure.

One of the steps in my forms

So we went and sat back down for a while while the other colored belts did their forms and kicks, which was actually pretty neat to watch. A lot (all) of the upper colored belts were children, and even though they weren’t as sharp as they could have been, it was still really neat to see all the different forms.

After all of that, they called the white belts up to do no-contact sparring, which went fine. I got out of breath at the end of it, which is not totally surprising, but I think I did pretty well. I got partnered with Amanda, who I work with at my school, so I got to spar with someone that I was used to.

Finally, they called us up to do our board breaks. I really don’t want to go through the whole story right now, but basically I didn’t break it. I tried twice but the goddamn thing would not break. I ended up hurting my hand and, yes, crying for a while.

A) It hurt fairly badly. It is currently swollen and a little bruised.
B) I was embarrassed and angry that I couldn’t do the break.
C) I was embarrassed that I was crying.
D) It was a huge confidence-breaker.

Even though I know that I am not the most fit or the most able-bodied person even when I am fit, I try to approach things with a certain amount of confidence. When I made it through the first part of the test and didn’t die, I was feeling good and confident. The other parts I had done before, and I have never had a problem hitting something really hard. It was just… I don’t know. It was kinda like hitting a brick wall psychologically.

Plus, it fucking hurt. That didn’t help matters much.

I won’t lie to you. I cried for the rest of the test, or, rather, I barely held it together. Everyone, from my fellow ASC TKD-ers to my coach to the test instructors were telling me not to worry about it, but… for some reason that just made it worse. Part of my embarrassment was in regards to my reaction, and talking about it just made me more ashamed.

To break up the sob story a bit.

For what it’s worth, Coach figures it probably wasn’t my fault. And I believe him, as I have come to trust him and his opinion, because he’s not one for blowing smoke up your ass. He said I “hit the piss” out of the board and figures if I had either had a better hold or a better board, it would have broken. He grabbed two boards and said I was going to do a break sometime next week when my hand heals. I don’t think I have a choice in this.

Again, in the spirit of honesty, I definitely moped for most/all of the day today. I came home and cried for about five minutes, took a shower, watched a movie with Anthony, ate, walked to Kroger, and took a nap. It wasn’t till Anthony and I went out to eat and I talked some about what I was thinking/feeling that I started to feel better, and I am feeling a lot better now.

But I guess, at the time, it was like this: it didn’t matter if I had a bad hold or a bad board or both. It wouldn’t have mattered if the board had been on fire and spitting snakes at me. I should have broken it. I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, even unrealistic, and I have a hard time moving aside from those. But anyway, I am moving beyond that, and I am feeling better.

My attitude at this present time is summed up in a text I sent to my friend Nikki:

I’m feeling better and will try again later, and if I really can’t do it, Coach will help me be able to. 🙂

For now,  I am just going to focus on my weight loss and continuing with TKD. I do think today was an accomplishment, and somewhere beneath the turmoil, I am proud of myself. I just gotta work on bringing it up. 🙂