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Some more thoughts

I’m hella sleepy, so this may end up being a short post, but there are a few more things I want to get off my chest.

I am not really feeling better since my “invisible no more” post. Usually when I talk about things, it helps me be aware of them and helps me fix things, but I am having trouble getting over this hill. I am not really sure what to do. Perhaps it is just a feeling that will fade in time.

At the moment, I am really struggling to find reasons to keep going with the weight loss. I started doing this for health reasons, and that is mostly why I am doing this, but I have to work on my mental health, too. And if I’m just  not comfortable in my body, I don’t know if keeping attempting to change it is a good idea.

But perhaps those are just excuses. I think maybe they might be.

The fact remains that I am hitting a mental block, here, and I need to break by it. So I’ve been thinking of reasons for me to focus on to keep doing paleo.

Reasons to keep doing Paleo

1) I’m at 155lbs, only 6 pounds away from being a healthy weight.

Oh good lord, I am SO CLOSE. I really don’t feel like I can stop now. It’s so intense to think about how far I have come in so short of a time. If I gave up before I got into the 140s, I don’t think I could ever forgive myself. I think this is the chief reason why I want to, and still will, keep on this diet and lifestyle.

2) I’ve been happier, generally, since starting.

It’s really easy to get bogged down in the feeling of being oggled, but I have to remember a lot of the great emotional benefits I have gotten from eating paleo. Key to this is that I’ve pretty much cut out my binge eating, and almost entirely negated my stress eating. These are HUGE ACHIEVEMENTS, and I want to keep these habits.

One thing I am really proud of is that when I have been breaking in the paleo, I haven’t binged. Yes, I’ve had ice cream, Ben and Jerry’s, DQ, but it’s been like… a fraction of the container that I get. I have a control now that I didn’t before, and I can only get better.

3) I’m really close to a normal bra size…

I had a really disappointing bra shopping trip yesterday, in which it was revealed that I was a 32DDD, and I’m a “big” 32 at that. If I can get down to a normal weight, perhaps that will come off of my bust and get me down into a standard size bra.

4) I don’t want to give up.

I’m not a quitter, and I realize the ONLY way I will have failed in this endeavor is if I give up, and that’s just… not an option.  If I give up, if I let myself gain weight, then it really is sacrificing control over my body.

If I stop now, in a way, I let those people win (even though it’s not really what they wanted). My body is mine, and I’m taking ownership of it, gods damn it. And if someone wants to stare at me, fine. If I notice, and it makes me uncomfortable, then it’s their fault, not mine, and I have the right to tell them to find a spot on the wall and stare at it, cause if they don’t, I’ll kick their face into it.

Boo  yeah.



This is going to be one of those good things/bad things post, because I want to get out what I am feeling, but I don’t want to harp on it and not remember the good stuff. So, with that in mind, here we go.

The bad stuff

I have a generally pretty good body image. I, like most people, have good days and bad days and the net result is positive.

Since starting paleo, unlike my fear before I started it, I haven’t any body issues at all. As I have explained, usually when I start dieting, I become super self-conscious about my weight, stress out, then stress eat. It’s a vicious cycle. But this time, as I’ve said, I haven’t had all that at all, and generally I have felt better about my body than I have in a long time. I have noticed that I don’t feel bloated quite as much, and even though I don’t really see the weight that has come off, I definitely do feel a lot lighter.

This weekend, however, seems to be an exception to that rule. I feel really fat.

The story begins… with an indiscretion.

It really was unwise on my part to go to a movie showing, where I knew there would be snacks, before I had eaten anything. I had had a REALLY heavy breakfast of bacon and eggs that day, and then went and trained with Nicki for about an hour and a half.

By the way, I do not recommend that particular course of action.

So when I got home I wasn’t feeling in a very eat-y mood. I went and putzed a little bit with the nerd prom music, and then before I knew it it was time to go to the Firefly marathon.  I went there without really being conscious of the fact that I was hungry, and in the end, I really don’t know if I got hungry.

The point of the matter is, chips are my weakness.

Even now, I salivate.

They weren’t even particularly good chips. They were crappy store brand wavy kind, that weren’t even that salty. Yet I ate plate after plate. I think at least four small plates full of potato chips.

To my credit, that’s the only spot of weakness I had. But either way… my stomach was not happy with  me afterwards.

I blame my feelings today on this indiscretion.

There’s no real way to put it — I just felt fat. I looked fat, every time I looked in a mirror all I could see was a belly and big breasts.

It got worse after we ate dinner, cause I ate a bit too much and the wings seemed to be a bad fair (Darcy got a little sick and I got a bit more sick).

Maybe it’s just shopping that makes me feel that way. I got fitted for a bra (went down a size, kinda), and it just felt all downhill from there. I didn’t try on any clothes or anything, else I feel like the feeling would have been exacerbated.

Anyway, I’m feeling bloated and useless and bad for the food I’ve eaten, and the fact that I over extended my knee the other day (?) doesn’t really contribute to my mood.

BUT! There are good things about today, too, and we’re gonna talk about them too.

The good things

First and foremost, the TKD ladies and Anthony went over and KICKED ASS at the belt test today. It was an honor and a privilege to watch them, and they all did amazingly.

Secondly, I got to go shopping today with Anthony and Darcy. We stalked Atlantic Station and searched for shoes and jeans for Anthony, fabric so I can start a shirt for Beefsickle to wear when we go to Medieval Times. It was a fun trip, and aside from my knee being a jerk, I had a good time. We walked for a long time, and I am not tired at all (a noted improvement).

I also got:

I shall name them the Blue Spirits.

They are for running!

I have decided, after a good bit of deliberation, that I want to try and pick up running a bit. Part of the reason I want to do this is because people who run are the coolest and the most fit people I know, and I have runner envy. Also, I want to pick up something else other than TKD that will help me stay healthy and in shape, because I am not sure what the future is for me and TKD after May. I definitely want to keep doing it, but there may be a pretty extensive hiatus between May and when I can afford to go again.

But running doesn’t cost anything.

I  have in previous years really avoided running because of breast issues. But I think I have gotten to a place where it’s not as big of an issue anymore. I’ve got good support when I’m  not running, and thanks to Nicki I have learned the art of doubling up on bras when I am. So we are gonna do this.

My friend Sam is training and getting ready to do a triathlon (woot for her!), and she suggested that I look into this program that helps you learn how to run  a 10K in 13 weeks (this isn’t the link she gave me –I’m gonna have to bug her for it again). I’m  not really sure how well this will work, but I’m gonna give it a try. I figure that Anthony and I will go running on the mornings that he’s here (So, Sunday/Monday, Tuesday, Thursday), and that will have the advantage of getting me up earlier in the morning, and getting a jump start to my day.

I guess I’ve just gotten to the point where I like physical activity (I know, right?). It makes me feel good now that I’ve gotten over that point where my fitness and my weight are a huge, frustrating barrier. They are now just mild annoyances that pop up every once in a while. Though I still hate sweating, I dunno, things are just better and easier and I want to have more activity in my life.

So tomorrow I put on my running shorts (yes, I  have them), the Blue Spirits, double up on my bras and head out into the morning with  my beau to start running. I’m actually kinda excited about it. I need to make a playlist.

Another good thing is that I went down in a bra size. This means I also went down in bra price. I moved from a 34 G to a 32 G/34 DDD. If you don’t think that’s smaller, that’s okay. I don’t understand bra sizes either. It’s smaller.

I am also starting to see some very gratifying definition in my legs. Though my calves have always had a pretty lean curve to them, they are beefing up some, and my thigh muscles are starting to peak out through the fat. It’s honestly just more noticeable when I’m lying down, with my feet flat on the floor, but I’m getting there. It’s pretty fulfilling.

I am beginning to doubt, especially with Chip Fest 2011, if I will lose my 2.5lbs this week. But I really am feeling okay about that, cause other things are happening.

Moving right along,


On Frustrations and Chicken Soup

I’m sure many of you notice that my daily postings were interrupted yesterday. Many of you, I’m sure, kept a tab open of this blog and refreshed it every few hours, and every few hours you were disappointed. For that, my dear readers, I apologize.

Let me explain.

As I mentioned in my post the other day, I had a really bad night at TKD on Wednesday. Perhaps it was because I had eaten right before going or the fact that I hadn’t had enough water that day, but either way, my belt test is on Saturday (tomorrow — eep!) and it was not encouraging to have a bad day right before.

So I woke up yesterday morning, resolved to eat more calories (as I was convinced that was the issue). The only problem was that I wasn’t hungry. I scrambled up three eggs, as was my usual custom,  but I couldn’t eat them. I ditched them and tried eating the soup that I had made the night before and was still unsuccessful. I also tried to search for recipes to use to make a cooking list with, and was very unsuccessful at that.

It was at this point that I got so frustrated and stressed that I started cleaning my apartment.

Laugh if you will, but I have found that cleaning things is a good distraction when I am stressed/distressed/upset. So I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. Then, low and behold, my coach popped up on facebook and asked me how things were going. After a relatively short conversation, we decided that getting up to that magic 1300 mark isn’t necessary, and that I should just focus on eating when I’m hungry.

I do feel a lot better about that, though I am still going to the grocery store today, resolving to eat meat AND fruits/veggies with every  meal, and still trying to reset my sleep clock. Just because those are generally good things to do.

For some reason, I forgot my general philosophy: “trust your body.” Other than being generally overweight/obese, my body and I have a generally okay relationship, and it tells me what it needs, and generally I listen. I am not sure why I thought this would, could, or should be any different. My body hates eating when I get up, and if I do eat, I generally can’t eat protein — either fruit or bread. So that’s what I’m going to do.

Anyway, onto food.

Yesterday, as mentioned, I had maybe an egg and a half and a few spoonfuls of a new chicken soup that I made, in the morning. Around four I got hungry so I had two cups of the spicy tomato soup, which was uber tasty. Finally, around seven or eight I had half a pound of baked chicken and a magic salad.

So let’s introduce this soup I made.


Hello, my name is...

The other night I was grumpy and frustrated from TKD, not hungry  but needing to eat something, and most of what I had left was two pounds of chicken and some veggies.  I really didn’t want to have another baked-meat-with-marinade meal (as I’ve pretty  much been doing…), so after a couple hours (no, really) of hem-hawing, I decided to try and make soup.  I found a recipe online for chicken noodle soup and decided to change it up.

8 cups fat free chicken broth
1 cup chopped celery
1 cup chopped carrots
3/4 cup chopped onions
2 cups (about 1 lb) diced, cooked chicken

Seasoned pepper, onion powder, to taste.

Cook the chicken in whatever way you would like (I generally pan-cook mine), seasoned with the garlic powder and seasoned pepper, or however you like.


The chicken eagerly awaits...

In large saucepan, bring broth and italian seasoning to a boil. Stir in celery, onion, and carrots. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer for 15 minutes.

When veggies are tender, add chicken and cook till heated.

Number of Servings: 6

What the recipe doesn’t say, because I took it out, is that I added like… 1/6 of a cup of italian dressing to the soup.

I’m pretty sure, at this juncture, that that is what ruined it for me.

That and the spongy nature of the pan-fried chicken. It’s just… weird.

I will probably try to pawn it off on Anthony when he gets here, or perhaps Darcy would like it. We shall see, but I probably won’t have anymore.

FINALLY, I have been able to locate some recipes that look pretty good, on the site everyday paleo. I’ve got my grocery list worked out and I’m ready to go. So hopefully, that will work out very well. 🙂

Sorry for the long post — I had a bit on my mind.