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I’m still here.

This is me, doing pushups this morning:


So, yeah. I’m still here. I’m still paleo. Here’s the sitch:

My period hit me pretty hard this weekend, so I didn’t get a chance to write up a bunch of posts like I usually do. In addition to that, I am busy preparing for visits from friends and packing up and getting ready to leave. The consequence of which is that this blog will take a hiatus for a few weeks. I will probably still post, but it will be more casually than anything.

I’m going to use that time to do some re-evaluating. What do I want? What am I working towards? And how best do I get there? I am unsure of all of these things at the moment, and need to take some time to figure them out.

I will probably post meta-explorations as I attempt to figure this out, but if you would like to keep up with me in more detail, I joined the community at nerdfitness. Here’s my intro post to give you an idea of what I am trying to accomplish.

Just doing some thinking. No big. ūüôā




Food Tally, Day 5 (and in need of some advice)

I’m writing this retro-actively because I want to be sure to get my tally up here, but the glories of Harry Potter had me distracted for a while.


Apples and Almond Butter


Gina’s “OMG I have no time” Throw-together


Approx 4oz of  Almonds

Apples and almond butter

At the movies

Approx 2/5 of a large popcorn (NOT PALEO)
Approx 1/2 large movie sprite (NOT PALEO)

I think I might need to spend some time really, seriously evaluating why I chose to eat the popcorn. I know that I ¬†have lauded this as the second step to dealing with eating food that’s bad for you, but I think sometimes I do a really shallow analysis. Maybe it really is that I’m stressed, but I feel like perhaps there may be something more going on. Maybe I’m afraid of finding out what that is. Maybe it’s just that I’m a slave to my passions (a la Plato) and will never be more than a hedonistic fatass who can’t control what she eats and is just attempting to fight the inevitable. Maybe I’m just afraid of that conclusion.

Ugh. If you can’t tell by that uncharacteristically self-deprecating madness I’m a bit down in the dumps. I have been for a few days now. I’m not 100% sure what the cause of it is. Perhaps just generic, good ole fashioned stress. I would like to spend the weekend evaluating myself, but I don’t have the time at the moment. I need to make a bid on two contracts and to do so I need design ideas. Oh well, they say you’re at your most creative when you’re a bit down. We shall see.

I am also going to get some exercise if it kills me. I think maybe not having time for TKD on Wed. is part of what’s making my mood tank.

Any other ideas? What do you do when you get into a funk you can’t shake?¬†

I do what I want

Sometimes I think that people choose to diet because they think that, once they get down to their goal weight, they will be like the skinny friends that they envy. That is, they’ll be able to eat whatever it is that they want and not get fat. Getting skinny is a way to get back to the lifestyle that they wanted to live.

I catch myself thinking that sometimes, that I won’t have to worry as much about the kinds of foods I eat once I get down to my goal weight. That I can have chicken tenders, lots of cheese, and pizza. In moderation, of course (yeah right).

There are lots of flaws with this thinking.

First of all, yes, there are lots of people who can eat whatever and however much that they want and not get fat. But those people are fewer and farther between than we think. Most thin people generally eat less and more often than heavier people. They also tend to eat better and have a better relationship with food. It is these things that help them maintain their thinness. The idea that they eat whenever and however they want is an illusion that we create around them.

We isolate the incidences we see of them chowing down on pizza and bread sticks with us, or the time they drink a keg at a party (gross), or how much popcorn they have at a movie. We notice these incidences of over-indulgence because they match up with our expectations of how they should eat. We miss the fact they eat about half of what heavier people do, eat a lot of things that are better for them, and don’t stress eat.

So this idea of the person who can eat whatever they want and not get fat is largely an illusion. Additionally, even if there were, it is clear that if you’re a person who has gotten to a point where your weight is a problem and you want to lose that weight, then you’re not one of those people. So, when you get down to your goal weight, you shouldn’t expect to eat like you did… cause that’s what got you fat in the first place.

It seems like a really obvious thing, but like I said, I’ve caught myself thinking about it too. Being skinny does not mean you get to eat whatever it is that you want. ¬†Thinness is a function of eating better, and so it is illogical to assume that once you get thin, you’ll have the “magic” that those fabled “reckless eating thin people” do.

This is why we make lifestyle changes instead of going on “diets.” What you are doing, and should be doing, is adapting healthy habits of thin people, and keeping them to maintain thinness.

If I sound like I’m scolding, I am. I’m scolding myself for being an idiot.


The Pizza Dilemma

Oh my gods, I love pizza.

Please do not masturbate to the food porn.

Or, I guess I should say, I know I used to.

I haven’t had pizza in gods know how long, and whenever I think about “breaking” paleo, pizza is the first thing I jump to. When I think about staying on the paleo diet, thinking about never ever having pizza again is usually the first thing that pops into my mind.

Here’s the dilemma. If I’m ¬†not hungry, looking at that picture of pizza makes my stomach turn.

So I both desire and am repulsed by pizza. Even still, the idea of pizza is somehow attractive to me. This has been an ever-present dilemma the past few weeks as this craving for pizza has just popped up over and over again.

I was thinking it would be worthwhile to try and have a slice, much like the Dairy Queen experiment, just to see what happens.  But I am very cautious because pizza is something that I actively want, and it is also something that I have used as a stress food/fun food in the past. When I think about eating pizza, I think about ordering a pizza, sitting down with Anthony and Darcy and watching a movie. I think about good times with my dad.

So you see the dilemma. I am repulsed by the idea of pizza (in the carnation that I used to eat it — Pizza Hut) because it’s greasy and gross and has lots of stuff on it that’s really bad for me. But I want it, I think, because I miss hanging out with Darcy, Dad, and in some ways, Anthony (I have been really busy with work lately).

Hm. I had no idea that last sentence was going to come out until it was typed. This post has now become something that I didn’t intend.

Clearly, pizza is not the solution to these problems. Given the circumstances of all three situations, I am not sure if could be remedied. But perhaps now that I am aware of the manifestation of pizza as a sign that something needs to be fixed, I can take a better approach.

I had planned this post to outline a system of testing non-paleo foods, to see how my body reacts to them and to give some more “data” to my consideration of making paleo into a lifestyle. But perhaps I have some other thinking to do. I am sure such a post, if it’s even still necessary, will come later.



This is going to be one of those good things/bad things post, because I want to get out what I am feeling, but I don’t want to harp on it and not remember the good stuff. So, with that in mind, here we go.

The bad stuff

I have a generally pretty good body image. I, like most people, have good days and bad days and the net result is positive.

Since starting paleo, unlike my fear before I started it, I haven’t any body issues at all. As I have explained, usually when I start dieting, I become super self-conscious about my weight, stress out, then stress eat. It’s a vicious cycle. But this time, as I’ve said, I haven’t had all that at all, and generally I have felt better about my body than I have in a long time. I have noticed that I don’t feel bloated quite as much, and even though I don’t really see the weight that has come off, I definitely do feel a lot lighter.

This weekend, however, seems to be an exception to that rule. I feel really fat.

The story begins… with an indiscretion.

It really was unwise on my part to go to a movie showing, where I knew there would be snacks, before I had eaten anything. I had had a REALLY heavy breakfast of bacon and eggs that day, and then went and trained with Nicki for about an hour and a half.

By the way, I do not recommend that particular course of action.

So when I got home I wasn’t feeling in a very eat-y mood. I went and putzed a little bit with the nerd prom music, and then before I knew it it was time to go to the Firefly marathon. ¬†I went there without really being conscious of the fact that I was hungry, and in the end, I really don’t know if I got hungry.

The point of the matter is, chips are my weakness.

Even now, I salivate.

They weren’t even particularly good chips. They were crappy store brand wavy kind, that weren’t even that salty. Yet I ate plate after plate. I think at least four small plates full of potato chips.

To my credit, that’s the only spot of weakness I had. But either way… my stomach was not happy with ¬†me afterwards.

I blame my feelings today on this indiscretion.

There’s no real way to put it — I just felt fat. I looked fat, every time I looked in a mirror all I could see was a belly and big breasts.

It got worse after we ate dinner, cause I ate a bit too much and the wings seemed to be a bad fair (Darcy got a little sick and I got a bit more sick).

Maybe it’s just shopping that makes me feel that way. I got fitted for a bra (went down a size, kinda), and it just felt all downhill from there. I didn’t try on any clothes or anything, else I feel like the feeling would have been exacerbated.

Anyway, I’m feeling bloated and useless and bad for the food I’ve eaten, and the fact that I over extended my knee the other day (?) doesn’t really contribute to my mood.

BUT! There are good things about today, too, and we’re gonna talk about them too.

The good things

First and foremost, the TKD ladies and Anthony went over and KICKED ASS at the belt test today. It was an honor and a privilege to watch them, and they all did amazingly.

Secondly, I got to go shopping today with Anthony and Darcy. We stalked Atlantic Station and searched for shoes and jeans for Anthony, fabric so I can start a shirt for Beefsickle to wear when we go to Medieval Times. It was a fun trip, and aside from my knee being a jerk, I had a good time. We walked for a long time, and I am not tired at all (a noted improvement).

I also got:

I shall name them the Blue Spirits.

They are for running!

I have decided, after a good bit of deliberation, that I want to try and pick up running a bit. Part of the reason I want to do this is because people who run are the coolest and the most fit people I know, and I have runner envy. Also, I want to pick up something else other than TKD that will help me stay healthy and in shape, because I am not sure what the future is for me and TKD after May. I definitely want to keep doing it, but there may be a pretty extensive hiatus between May and when I can afford to go again.

But running doesn’t cost anything.

I ¬†have in previous years really avoided running because of breast issues. But I think I have gotten to a place where it’s not as big of an issue anymore. I’ve got good support when I’m ¬†not running, and thanks to Nicki I have learned the art of doubling up on bras when I am. So we are gonna do this.

My friend Sam is training and getting ready to do a¬†triathlon (woot for her!), and she suggested that I look into this program that helps you learn how to run ¬†a 10K in 13 weeks (this isn’t the link she gave me –I’m gonna have to bug her for it again). I’m ¬†not really sure how well this will work, but I’m gonna give it a try. I figure that Anthony and I will go running on the mornings that he’s here (So, Sunday/Monday, Tuesday, Thursday), and that will have the advantage of getting me up earlier in the morning, and getting a jump start to my day.

I guess I’ve just gotten to the point where I like physical activity (I know, right?). It makes me feel good now that I’ve gotten over that point where my fitness and my weight are a huge, frustrating barrier. They are now just mild annoyances that pop up every once in a while. Though I still hate sweating, I dunno, things are just better and easier and I want to have more activity in my life.

So tomorrow I put on my running shorts (yes, I ¬†have them), the Blue Spirits, double up on my bras and head out into the morning with ¬†my beau to start running. I’m actually kinda excited about it. I need to make a playlist.

Another good thing is that I went down in a bra size. This means I also went down in bra price. I moved from a 34 G to a 32 G/34 DDD. If you don’t think that’s smaller, that’s okay. I don’t understand bra sizes either. It’s smaller.

I am also starting to see some very gratifying definition in my legs. Though my calves have always had a pretty lean curve to them, they are beefing up some, and my thigh muscles are starting to peak out through the fat. It’s honestly just more noticeable when I’m lying down, with my feet flat on the floor, but I’m getting there. It’s pretty fulfilling.

I am beginning to doubt, especially with Chip Fest 2011, if I will lose my 2.5lbs this week. But I really am feeling okay about that, cause other things are happening.

Moving right along,