Weighing in has become a weird ritual for me. As I’ve mentioned previously, I weigh in on both Mondays and Tuesdays, just to be sure things are right. And here’s how my weighing-in sessions typically go.
1) Step on Scale
3) Step off Scale
4) Make sure scale is zeroed correctly
5) Step back on scale
(repeat first five steps, may throw in a nose-blow or bathroom-use)
7) Call Anthony in to read the scale
8) Anthony makes rough estimate
9) Step off scale
10) Move scale to different spot on the floor (step added by Suzie)
11) Step on scale
13) Repeat until get the same measurement twice.
Yeah, that’s pretty much how it goes down.
I think once I get myself financially upright again, I will invest in a digital scale of some sort. Having a bit of certainty — and not having to squint to see the numbers — would be really helpful. This whole dial scale thing is just not working. Or I could at least get a scale with a bigger dial…
Anyway, another 2.5 pounds lost.
167.5 lbs as of 2/15/2011. Or so I am telling myself. lol
Part of the reason why my posts have been so bland lately is that I’ve sorta settled into a routine of cooking. I eat a LOT of baked chicken, and I scrounge around at Agnes for food that I can eat. I haven’t really had the time, energy, or money to get innovative with my food. Rest assured, though, if I do make something new, I will keep you guys updated.
There is one last thing that I wanted to talk about today, and to do so we will watch a video.
If you haven’t seen Get Smart, first of all, you should. Cause it’s awesome. Secondly, the movie revolves around the main character, Max Smart. Prior to the timeline of the movie, Max was severely obese and has lost that weight. When things start to go badly during the movie, and Max is in jail, he has a dream that he is fat again, and literally becomes an animal, a slave to his passions (to use the philosopher’s language) for food.
The scene is meant to be comedic, as making fun of fat people is the most PC way to be an asshole in society these days. However, it definitely has been hitting home with me a lot lately, and it has stayed in the forefont of my mind.
Even though I have made and will continue to make great progress, sometimes that fear sneaks up that I will hop on the scale and see 185 again, as if these past few weeks have been nothing more than a dream, or that my scale has just broken. I also fear that I will hit that brick wall and not be able to go anywhere.
It’s not an acute, subconscious fear like Max has, and I certainly haven’t had dreams about being fat and becoming a bitch to cake. However, it is something that has been nagging at me, and almost every time I step on that scale I’m somewhat afraid of what I will see.
I’m not sure if it’s something I will be able to shake, at least for a while. I will have to see.
I guess I need to relinquish this computer to the professor who has made it very plain that this is his territory.
I am sitting in my useless class right now, and I thought I would make some use of my time by doing some blogging.
The reason my posts have not been as frequent lately is not because I have been slacking on the diet, but more rather because other things have been so busy. This weekend I did very little other than writing work, getting my two articles ready to be printed, working on my homework, and just generally getting my shit together. Last night I was up till about two due to a club meeting that was two hours long and finishing up my first articles. So I didn’t feel like blogging was my top priority then. haha.
But I have been good! other than having a dollop or two of yogurt in a smoothie last night, the grocery store run has definitely re-anchored me in the paleo food diet and I am getting enough to eat. I was dying for some macaroni and cheese from the dining hall today, but I refrained. As I did post about on Monday, I have reached my 15 lb goal this week, and I am feeling pretty good about it.
I posted in Suzie’s comments yesterday that I had not yet gotten any comments on looking like I had lost weight. It was not something that really bothered me, but I wanted to try and comfort her, cause she was feeling frustrated. But today, apparently, people were determined to make me a liar.
A friend of mine who I don’t see very often stood by my lunch table today and looked down at me, then proclaimed. “Gina, you look really good.”
I was confused at first, and kinda looked down at my clothing. Nothing special. My FIRE T-shirt, jeans, and a long-sleeved shirt. My hair was rather poufy because I had braided it up last night, but otherwise nothing special. Then it kinda dawned on me. Oh… Oh! [insert smile here].
Just a little while later as I was walking to put my food in the garbage place in the cafeteria when another friend of mine called my name. “Where is half of you?” she asked. I responded with my typical cow eyes. She said that my arms looked skinnier, and asked how much weight I had lost.
In all honesty, I had been dreading this part of the weight loss. If we go back to my big fears post, one of the things that I really felt apprehensive about was people commenting on my weight. I was afraid that it was going to create this intense pressure that I wasn’t able to live up to. I also have a very specific fear of dealing with my grandmother (and other members of my family) due to my weight loss. Sometimes between us — especially between the adults and the younger people — there is a huge disconnect, and there’s not a lot that we can talk about. So when someone loses weight, it gets harped on like nobody’s business. I don’t want to invite these people to my graduation and have all these people who only want to talk to me about how I’ve lost all this weight. I’ve done more important things than that. I don’t want to be defined by my weight loss, and I know that there are people, especially in my family, who would be tempted to do that.
But people at Agnes, I think, I trust to comment on my weight loss without becoming consumed by it, and so the compliments I got today made me feel smiley and good, even if the underlying apprehension was still there. It’s not like I don’t want comments, but it’s a bit of a catch-22. It is something that I will have to work on.
All of that being said, I am back into my large-16 jeans, but this time with the belt addition, and that has worked out really well. I am getting sick again, which is ridiculously frustrating, but I think part of it is just a lack of proper rest, which will be happening this weekend. I just have to make it through tomorrow. I may even skip out of class tomorrow, because I really need some good sleep. Time has yet to tell.
Food for today: apple for breakfast, two chicken breasts and some spinach for lunch. Most likely left over mesquite chicken and a magic salad for dinner.
I will have some pictures one of these days when I start trying new recipes. We shall see…
So, I have about thirty minutes till my chili is done simmering, and I want to use that time to make some public reflection on some of the psychological stuff that is going through my brainz.
It took me a lot of thinking and a lot of…effort, to decide to lose this weight. As I mentioned before, this has been spurred at least in part by a conversation with my Taekwondo coach. But I had been thinking about it before that.
A lot of my thinking about it was a desire to do it, and then making up some sort of excuse, and I began to wonder if I was afraid of losing weight.
Why would someone be afraid of losing weight? You are healthier, you generally look better, and life becomes a whole lot easier. But in reality, losing weight is a big change, and it comes with a lot of pressure, both internal and external. I wasn’t quite sure what I was afraid of, but I had a feeling that it was a fear that was keeping me back.
I decided to look it up on the interwebs, to see if I could find something that could at least point me in the right direction.
It turns out that a fear of losing weight isn’t really all that uncommon. I found a host of common fears, and I think a lot of them apply to me in one way or another.
- I’ve never succeeded before, why should I try now? (afraid of failure).
- If I don’t eat like I always do, what will I do with my friends when we meet for lunch? (afraid to be different, of possibly losing friends, or of suggesting something new and meeting for an activity that doesn’t involve eating).
- Unwanted sexual attention (getting hit on is awkward).
- Not looking like “me” anymore (cause, believe it or not, I do like the way I look).
- Fear of people expecting more/different things out of me.
Those sorts of things. I think I also have a fear of failure. That I will either lose the weight and not be able to keep it off, or even if I do lose weight I will still look/feel “fat,” that sort of thing.
I think I also have a fear of this transition. I generally have really good self-esteem (as most people who know and/or dislike me can tell you). I even have a really good body image. However, usually when I try to lose weight, I become uber-conscious of how much weight I have/have to lose. That generally makes me feel upset/self-conscious, which drives me to eat.
But I decided to lose the weight. And I am trying to “beat” myself mentally in two ways.
1) Do, or Do Not, there is no “Try”
One of the things that Coach Hill and I talked about was how people always give themselves an out. We have a tendency to talk about “trying” to do something or “trying our best.” If we use this language, and we don’t succeed, we always have an out, because then we haven’t failed in our goal. The trouble is that trying our best isn’t something that’s quantifiable something that you can prove or disprove. You just tell yourself that you tried your best when you’re shoving down that entire pizza, and then everything’s okay.
So I have shifted my language. It has been really difficult to not say “I’m attempting to lose 50 pounds before my cousin’s wedding.” But I have done so, especially here on the blog and when I am typing to people. Even when I am speaking I catch myself and I say that I am going to lose fifty pounds before Christina’s wedding. There is not an option for failure.
Hence, the title of this blog. I am not going to starve myself, but I am going to lose fifty pounds and be a healthier person. And rather than dying, I will be living more than I was or could before.
2) Positive Affirmation
This goes along with the “do or do not” above, but it is of a different vein. When I did my research on fears of losing weight, I found this article to be very helpful. Instead of dismissing or not acknowledging my fears, instead to replace the with something positive. It’s sorta like reprogramming your head so that instead of pushing yourself evermore towards failure, you subconsciously trick yourself into success. Or, at least that is the theory.
I am going to lose the weight I promised myself. And that is a fact.